Goddamn Brownies

I understand that people do not think of movies the same way as myself. To some people they are just a way to kill a couple of hours and be mildly entertained in the process. Few have respect for the theater going experience anymore, as evident by their rude behavior, talking and such. Something that has always annoyed me is people getting up during a movie, for whatever reason. I witnessed someone recently get to a movie quite a bit early with the family and they were sharing one of the large, refillable, popcorn buckets. They ate as quickly as possible and when the trailers ended and the movie began one of them arose to get more popcorn. Why the hell did they wait until the movie started? Is this not the reason they paid money to get in the theater? The last time I can remember getting up for anything during a movie was during Independence Day in 1996. I never got up during movies but this was a second viewing and I knew what was coming up so I decided to run grab a pickle. I was with a friend and we were near the front of the packed theater and on my way out I slipped on some soda and crashed in front of everyone. There was thunderous laughter and my ass hurt. This was a sign from the movie gods to not get up while the projector is running.

Probably the number one reason people get up during a movie is to go to the bathroom. This is something I have also never understood. Have you no bladder control? I understand there are certain times that when you have to go, you REALLY have to go. I highly doubt all of these people have a very dire situation brewing. Personally there has not been a situation in my memory where I had to go or there would be problems. I even sat through all of Titanic, which I really didn't enjoy, and I had to go pretty bad by the time the credit began to roll (I even stayed during all of them too).

Now it has come to my attention there is a website out there called Run Pee. On this site you can look up a movie and see at which points during any film you should get up to go to the bathroom. It looks like this:



You see the timeline and under it will give you a "vague" description of what happens right before you'll have a couple of minutes to alleviate you bladder. If you want to know what happens during the time you will miss, you can click the box below and the scrambled text will spoil the scene. Many have been raving about this site, and how it is a great tool for movie goers, I, of course, have a problem with this.

Most films are made and put you in a story and they set everything up so that you are caught up in what is on the screen. When you leave the theater, for any reason, all this accomplishes is taking you out of the world the filmmakers spent so long trying to create. Even if you are at a bad flick, like the latest Mike Meyers tragedy, getting up and leaving does not just affect you. There are other people in the theater with you, and when you walk by, in front of, or around them it distracts. I don't spend ten bucks to have you walking in front of me. If you have to go to the bathroom just hold it! If you have poor bladder control, or are going to a longer film (i.e. Lord of the Rings) then don't get the bucket size of soda at the concession stand. It is that simple.

If the website were not enough to piss me off, they have escalated to the next level - an iPhone app. The iPhone is freaking wonderful, and the apps only make it better, but this is a bad idea. All this app does is not only encourage people to get up during the film, but now they are going to pull out their phones while the movie is going and distract those around them with the glow. I see no good coming of this.

Why can't people just sit down, shut up and watch the damn movie?

This is a very special edition of the Potty Talk series. In this post we delve into a new device in the world of pet needs. Everyone hates to pick up dog doo, so one company took the initiative to create the first outdoor yard toilet for your puppy - the PowerLoo.

This flushable small toilet seems to work much like the can in an RV, only this hooks up directly to your existing water/sewer lines. The commercial, posted below, boasts that you never have to pick up or touch the poop ever again. Oh, except for the fact that you do! The website clearly states you have to pick it up yourself, and the actors in the spot are putting the business in there themselves. Can you really expect a dog to lift up the lid, do his dirty work then flush? There have been cats trained to use toilets, like in Meet the Parents, and I'm sure something like this could happen with with dogs, but not with the PowerLoo. There is a peddle to depress in order to open the lid otherwise you would just have an open water hole, kind of like a mini-well.

The worst part about all of this is the price. Be prepared to fork over just under $1000 for this gem, and that is not including installation or the heated pipe option for those in colder climates. Sounds like a big expense and hassle when you could just carry the dung to one of the house's toilets for much cheaper and a few more steps, or take it to the trash can.

On the plus side if you had one of these you could always pinch one off in your backyard.



[PowerLoo via Gizmodo]

Men, have you ever had a problem with splash back while urinating? No guy wants to have to sit down just to urinate, but you are stuck with the dilemma of not wanting a splash of your waste on your khakis. Thankfully the Japanese have been hard at work on solving this problem and now you will have dry pant fronts thanks to the Tenshi no Hizamakura, a.k.a Angels Knee Pillow!



Would you like to know the wonderful science behind this invention? "Scientists" counted the hundreds of droplets of spray that are caused by peeing from great heights, or hitting the rim, and decided the only way to get around this is to be lower and go directly into the bowl.



Of course the sane solution to this problem would be to just sit down when going "number one," but that is way to girlish for a man. Instead you should use the much more manly option of the Tenshi no Hizamakura.




The first model is the deluxe and consists of a cushioned two piece assembly that resemble little toilets for $60 (¥5800). If you are more cost/environmentally cautious then you may opt for the second "eco model" that is a one piece made of wood with a soft padding on the top for $50 (¥4800). Unfortunately it looks like these are only available in Japan, but give it time and, hopefully, they will soon be here in the States.

Sigh.

[House Doctor via Gizmodo]

Hand sanitation was not next on my list for a "Potty Talk" segment, but after a mind-ending experience in a public bathroom today I cannot help but tell the tale.

I always wash my hands after using the bathroom. It's just the right thing to do. Actually, I enjoy the whole process. Smelling the different soaps in all of the different places (hate foam soap by the way) and the water rushing over my hands while I make faces in the mirror. Good times. The worst part of the whole ordeal is drying off your hands when you're done. Paper towels are my preferred method, and I end up using a lot of them because I want my hands totally dry. Hand dryers are just ridiculous and outdated. It takes a couple of minutes to get all of the moisture removed and who wants to stand there with that loud fan that whole time. Whenever I go into a bathroom and notice there are only hand dryers I contemplate not washing my hands. I do, of course, but I am not happy.

Today I had a salad at Whole Foods (the newer one at Abrams and Gaston) before band practice and took advantage of the facilities before I left. There were paper towels but there was also this weird device attached to the wall.



I was not sure what to make of it, but I am in love with this dryer! You put your hands in it fingertips down, this activates the super high pressure air and you slowly pull your hands back out. After two passes, and probably eight seconds, my hands were as dry as they were before I washed them. Amazing!



If every public bathroom had this device I would become a dryer man faster than you can say "hygiene." If they were available for consumers I would even put one in my bathroom. Next time I make it over to Whole Foods I will be washing my hands, whether they need it or not, just to use this kick ass device.

If you ever run across the Dyson Airblade you will see what I mean. I'm not crazy, I promise.

There is something that happens in Men's Rooms everywhere that some are not aware of. Most of the clueless are women, who never spend time in there, but I've talked to a few guys who have never seen this. I'll let Butters from South Park explain:



If you still don't understand from the crappy picture, or have never seen him do this in South Park, I will give more info. Often times little boys (Kindergarten to 2nd Grade) will walk up to the urinal, drop their pants to their ankles, hold the shirt up with both hands and piss away. I remember seeing this in elementary school and thinking it was funny then, but occasionally I have seen it in public places. About a month ago I walked into Target and against the urinal wall was a kid doing this very act. I had to go in a stall to pee because I thought I'd laugh if I stayed near the kid.

I really don't remember ever doing this myself. I guess it is always possible, but I think I would remember urinating with my bare ass exposed in public. I do remember the awesome urinals at my elementary schools. They were blue and had a point system. It was like the skee-ball scoring system with each ring increasing in point value up to a 50 point bullseye. I searched online for a while for a picture of one of these, but I could not find one. Maybe I'll head back to my old school and see if they still have them. I can hear it now, "sir, why are you walking into the boy's room with a camera?"

Again I slacked and did not get a blog up yesterday. We had eight hours of playing and after getting home my computer was acting up. Being tired I just said "bah" and went to bed. Please forgive me.

Before our last four sets of Celtic insanity the crew went to eat at On the Border in Arlington. The bathroom was a high priority on my list so after ordering I went posthaste to make waste. (Ha!) Public bathrooms are not a big problem for me. Most people hate using them, but I would rather drop a deuce in a stall somewhere instead of someone else's home. I have even gone so far as to make up an excuse to leave when I have just started dating a girl and crap at the nearest gas station/grocery store. Pretty lame, I know.

One of the big problems with public restrooms are one of two things - cleanliness and supplies. OTB's bathrooms were in decent shape, but having been burned by the no toilet paper thing before I now always check ahead of time. One stall had nothing in the dispenser, the other I could see a small roll so there I sat. As my time was drawing to a close I realized this TP roll was inaccessible. These particular dispensers are the kind with two rolls and you slide some panel and the second roll comes into play, but for some reason it would not slide.

What to do? I could get up and hope this bathroom had paper towels (I didn't notice when walking in), but that could pose a problem if they didn't. Not to mention making an odd conversation starter for anyone who might walk in while I was en route. If there was a hand dryer then it would be all for naught, or really messy. My only choice, and what I did, was to break the dispenser. Yeah this sucks to do, but if they checked the damn bathrooms more this would have not been an issue.