Goddamn Brownies

Recently in Gastonia, North Carolina a couple was arrested after being found "going at it" in a car in a Wal-Mart parking lot. Sex acts in public are nothing all that new, but the age difference between the couple is the kicker. The mugshots paint a pretty picture too.



It turns out Asia Marie Howard, 25, was paid $20 to blow Mr. William Walter Stephens, 83, in his Buick. You expect prostitutes to troll truck stops and seedy areas, but I never figured a Wal-Mart parking lot the place for working girls. Though I'm not surprised.

The officer on the scene stopped them as they were leaving the parking lot, after they had been seen having sex in the aformentioned car. At least he let them finish, I'm sure that is not a sight one would want to see up close. You would think the charge would be prostitution since Howard admitted to being paid for the oral sex, but not in North Carolina. The charge - crime against nature. Yep, in some states certain sex acts, other than missionary I presume, are still illegal. This includes anal, oral, bestiality, necrophilia and in some cases homosexual acts. I understand not wanting to see anything like this in a public place, but if two consenting adults want to have a little ass sex, what is the big deal?

I remember around the time I graduated from high school there was a sexual arrest made in the parking lot of Wal-Mart in Burleson. A nineteen year old guy, who I knew, was caught getting hot and heavy with a thirteen year old girl in his car. Way to screw up your life for some action. He is still registered as a sex offender, as confirmed by the website, and just went in for his yearly check-in and photo update on his 30th birthday last week. How can you ever enjoy a birthday again when you know you have to go have your new sex offender picture taken?

After working an exhilarating day in the world of reality TV, sigh, I gave one of the guys a ride home. Somehow we got on the subject of strip clubs and I recalled my first, and only, lap dance.

This was at least three years ago and around Christmas. The girl I was seeing at the time and a couple of friends decided to head for The Clubhouse. It was ladies night so they got in free. This place is all nude so you can bring in your own booze. I like that a lot better because I don't need mixers and that small bottle of Jameson was just right. Because of the free women thing there were a bunch of very butch lesbians there. I thought men were bad! These women were hooting, hollering and slapping asses while never spilling a drop of their classy Keystone Light. Ha!

On with the story. My female companion decided to buy me a dance, and after much protesting I let it happen. There was just something weird in my head about a woman rubbing herself all over me while three friends watched. I was right. What an awkward song. I thought they had to keep their underwear on, but evidently this girl did not know it. Before long she was wearing nothing but her heels and rubbing her bajingo all over my leg. Hmmmm. I looked around nervously and my buddies were just watching. As if it were not bad enough already the girl reeked of baby powder. I really don't want to be reminded of babies when some girl is working her daddy issues out on my knee.

At least it was only one song, then I could get back to my real love of the evening - the DJ whose feathered hair, sunglasses and leather jacket proved he was stuck in 1988. Sweet.

That's right, only one more to go.  This time next year life will be over.  Maybe that is a little rash, but I will be 30 this time next year.  That's still a weird thought to me.  Most of the time I catch myself still feeling like a kid, or at least someone around 21, then someone calls me sir and that goes right out the window.

My birthday was fun, but rather uneventful ... well, kinda.  Last night my parents and sister came to Dallas and Jenny and I went out to eat with them.  It was good fun and fun, aside from idiots in the parking lot when we got there.  After dinner Jenny and I went back to her place and proceeded to watch Beerfest (which I had never seen and it was decent, Super Troopers is still their best).  Jenny fell asleep and about an hour in my stomach began to rumble.  I paused the movie and proceeded to take care of things.  When I flushed that is when the real fun began.  Clogged.  After searching the whole bathroom area I went to ask if she had a plunger.  No.  So twenty minutes before midnight, and the beginning of my 29th year, I was on my way to Tom Thumb for a plunger.  Class is thy name.  There are certain things you buy in any store that give you away.  When you rush into a supermarket around that time in pajama pants and only purchase a plunger it pretty much means one thing - you just made a mockery of some toilet.

The issue in the bathroom was resolved, candles were lit and it was officially my birthday.  Today Jenny made me brunch, we watched Cheers, came to my place with some Chipotle (my Sunday routine)and I put on Wall-E.  Before we left her place she gave me my birthday "cake."  I knew she was working on some sort of a dessert but I had no idea.  She brought out a Bento Box.  Confused.  The she brought out one of my new sushi plate sets my parents gave me with sushi cake!  It was chocolate cake and cream cheese frosting with Swedish Fist, Twizzler, fruit leather and Starburst accents!  There was even Starburst in the shape of ginger and wasabi.  Here is a picture, sorry it's crappy cellphone camera quality.


All in all it was a good birthday.  Next year I'm just going to hide under the covers of my bed and hope I just stay the same age.